So blogging about raising kids is great. Funny faces and things said aside, there is not as much there for us to hold. There is me, watching...telling. Then there is you, being watched, listening to me tell. There is goodness in that, but do you feel known? Does that help you know me?
At the writing of this, you obviously can't read. Well let me clarify, when looking at the alphabet Avery, you can identify an "A" and an "L." Grant you smile a lot, but I'm not fooled. And if there are any others of you, well, you don't exist yet. Obviously, I'm writing to the "You" that reads. And yet, I don't want to give as much advice - not here. There is plenty of time for that. We'll get to that in the flow of our lives together. I'm helping you become a person; I know this. It consumes a lot of my thought. Which is why I can't completely exclude you from a reflection-filled blog. I want this to be about what I notice as I go through my days. About what hurts and makes me happy. About what gives me strength and what takes it away. Because you create in me an urge to put what is good in me in you, and to try to be honest about what is not so good about me (which is hopefully a good thing about me that I can try to put in you). I can't leave you out of the sphere of my thoughts and my growth because you inspire so much of my thoughts and growth. You're undeniably here on the stage of my focus, along with a bunch of important things and not-so-important things I'm hoping you can use. I think daughters and sons need to have a sense of their parents, because it's the "knowing of them" part that you'll really need and use. Like finding the sand under a wave that got the best of you. It won't be any one thing about me that you'll need, no pun or beat-down saying, but just the sense that I'm there and that you know me and that I know you. We need these things. You don't need me because I'm flawless. You need me because with flaws and all, it's just a law of nature that I can't exactly explain.
Carlos said to me the other day about what he wishes he could communicate to Jonah (not yet seven months). He wants Jonah to know someday that when Jonah feels alone, isolated by bad decisions, he wants that moment to be a moment where Jonah knows that they are connected...not just because of blood relation (though that is important) but by something even more important. Because everybody has bloodlines. What we really need is a true sense of each other, and of being connected.
There are hundreds of meanings to it, but I'm hoping to collect them all when I say it: I love you. I'm hoping this connects us.
At the writing of this, you obviously can't read. Well let me clarify, when looking at the alphabet Avery, you can identify an "A" and an "L." Grant you smile a lot, but I'm not fooled. And if there are any others of you, well, you don't exist yet. Obviously, I'm writing to the "You" that reads. And yet, I don't want to give as much advice - not here. There is plenty of time for that. We'll get to that in the flow of our lives together. I'm helping you become a person; I know this. It consumes a lot of my thought. Which is why I can't completely exclude you from a reflection-filled blog. I want this to be about what I notice as I go through my days. About what hurts and makes me happy. About what gives me strength and what takes it away. Because you create in me an urge to put what is good in me in you, and to try to be honest about what is not so good about me (which is hopefully a good thing about me that I can try to put in you). I can't leave you out of the sphere of my thoughts and my growth because you inspire so much of my thoughts and growth. You're undeniably here on the stage of my focus, along with a bunch of important things and not-so-important things I'm hoping you can use. I think daughters and sons need to have a sense of their parents, because it's the "knowing of them" part that you'll really need and use. Like finding the sand under a wave that got the best of you. It won't be any one thing about me that you'll need, no pun or beat-down saying, but just the sense that I'm there and that you know me and that I know you. We need these things. You don't need me because I'm flawless. You need me because with flaws and all, it's just a law of nature that I can't exactly explain.
Carlos said to me the other day about what he wishes he could communicate to Jonah (not yet seven months). He wants Jonah to know someday that when Jonah feels alone, isolated by bad decisions, he wants that moment to be a moment where Jonah knows that they are connected...not just because of blood relation (though that is important) but by something even more important. Because everybody has bloodlines. What we really need is a true sense of each other, and of being connected.
There are hundreds of meanings to it, but I'm hoping to collect them all when I say it: I love you. I'm hoping this connects us.
1 comment:
doug...thank you for writing this beautiful love story of and for our family.
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